Viswas Nair TK

Someone said “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”. They were of course referring to eating an apple, but the marketing guys at cosmetic companies took it a tad bit too seriously. 

The day is not far when you will walk into Health and Glow/ Mannings, take a table and be attended to by a waiter who will hand you a menu card which will have custard apple facial cream for starters, an olive aloe butter body lotion for main course and a jack fruit jam foot cream for dessert. Ofcourse, all this is not to eat but you will be forgiven if caught eating out of the tubes in secrecy. They do sound delicious.

There already are menu cards at spas and salons but for now you know that everything in the menu is for cosmetic application. But what if you don’t know what is to be eaten and what is topical? In these times when women can shell out $250 to soften their skin with semen (check this if you don’t believe me), anything is possible.

A trip to my neighborhood Mannings and I was baffled by the extremities of bullshit in the cosmetic industry. I know what a soap is, I know what a shower gel is. I know shampoos and conditioners. What the fuck is a shower cream? How about one that is called (is it made of?) Goat’s milk shower cream!!!! Do they expect me to lick myself while I am having a bath? Is this for the new age man who doesn’t have time to make his drink in the morning so he can have his beverage and bath at the same time? 

And don’t worry if you are lactose intolerant. They have a green tea spa exfoliating bath scrub just for you. Someone said Green tea is the best of the lot for consumption. If you can drink, you sure can apply.

And if you are a health freak, maybe you should mix goat’s milk shower cream with the green tea spa exfoliating bath scrub and rub it on yourself. Only, expect to look like a douche with two horns sticking out of your forehead.